Caring for an aging parent raises hard questions: who decides, who pays, and what to do when a trusted caregiver takes advantage of a parent’s declining memory. Whether the problem is a sibling dispute or suspected exploitation, the priority is protecting the parent’s wishes, the money available for care, and family members from poorly understood financial commitments.
This article provides general information, not legal advice. Requirements concerning powers of attorney, capacity, reimbursement agreements, agency responsibility, and estate claims depend on applicable law and the facts of each situation.
When Siblings Want You to Pay but Exclude You From Decisions
Start With Legal Authority and the Parent’s Wishes
The first question is not which sibling contributes the most, but who has legal authority to act and what the parent wants. A health care proxy names someone to make medical decisions; a durable financial power of attorney authorizes an agent to handle financial matters within the authority granted. If these documents do not exist, planning may still be possible: a dementia diagnosis does not automatically eliminate the ability to sign them, because capacity depends on the particular decision and the applicable legal standard.
An agreement to share expenses is not an appointment to make decisions. An agent’s authority comes from the power of attorney and applicable law, and the agent must act in the parent’s interests, keep the parent’s property separate, and maintain accurate records. In Matter of Ferrara, 7 N.Y.3d 244 (2006), the Court of Appeals held that even an agent with gift-making authority had to exercise it in the principal’s best interests and consistent with the principal’s plans, rejecting the agent’s substantial self-gifts.
A written family agreement can address communication and contributions without overriding the parent’s rights or a properly appointed agent’s authority. It should cover:
- Which expenses each sibling agrees to cover
- How invoices and payment records will be shared
- How often the family will receive financial updates
- Whether payments are gifts or advances to be repaid
- How disagreements will be addressed
Document Every Contribution
In Matter of Metz, 238 A.D.3d 1477 (4th Dep’t 2025), the court required an attorney-in-fact to account for the entire period the agent handled the principal’s finances and imposed a surcharge for inadequately explained transfers into the agent’s account. Family members contributing their own funds should apply the same discipline: keep invoices, receipts, and payment confirmations, and pay providers directly where possible. If repayment is expected, have an attorney prepare a written agreement before substantial funds change hands rather than relying on a promise that the estate will reimburse you later.
Read Facility Agreements Before Signing
Signing as an authorized representative is not the same as agreeing to pay a parent’s bills with personal funds. Federal law prohibits nursing homes participating in Medicare or Medicaid from requiring a third-party personal guarantee as a condition of admission, yet the CFPB has documented admission provisions and collection practices that try to impose liability on family members.
New York courts distinguish a prohibited guarantee from duties a representative separately undertakes to use the resident’s funds to pay the facility. Wedgewood Care Ctr., Inc. v. Kravitz, 198 A.D.3d 124 (2d Dep’t 2021). A responsible party may be liable for breaching those duties; simply adding “POA” after a signature did not eliminate the signer’s obligations in Troy Nursing & Rehabilitation Ctr., LLC v. Naylor, 94 A.D.3d 1353 (3d Dep’t 2012). In New Jersey, Convalescent v. O’Neill, 217 N.J. 99 (2014), upheld an admission agreement that did not require the representative to pay from her own assets. Have an attorney review any “responsible party” language before signing, and do not assume these rules apply identically to every type of residential care.
When a Caregiver Misuses a Parent’s Credit Card
A caregiver’s unauthorized purchases are not a billing disagreement. Using an older adult’s money without consent can constitute financial exploitation, and people with dementia may be particularly vulnerable. The immediate response should address both safety and access to money:
- Arrange safe replacement care if the caregiver cannot remain in the home
- Contact the card issuer to report the transactions and secure the account
- Report suspected exploitation to Adult Protective Services
- Report suspected theft or fraud to local police
- Call 911 if there is an immediate danger
These steps track the CFPB’s guidance on reporting elder financial abuse. Preserve statements, receipts, and messages; build a timeline of the purchases and who had card access; and log names, dates, and case numbers for every report.
Do Not Treat Dementia as an Automatic Answer to Consent
A caregiver’s claim that a purchase was authorized or a gift should be investigated, not accepted. But a diagnosis alone does not make every transaction invalid; capacity is decision-specific. In Matter of Nealon, 57 A.D.3d 1325 (3d Dep’t 2008), the court held that progressive dementia alone did not establish incapacity to make the challenged transfers, though factual issues concerning undue influence required further proceedings.
Notify the Agency and Reduce Future Risk
If an agency supplied the caregiver, give it written notice describing the conduct and transactions, and request replacement care, preservation of records, and an investigation. Agency liability is not automatic: in Lingar v. Live-In Companions, Inc., 300 N.J. Super. 22 (App. Div. 1997), negligent-hiring claims arising from a companion’s theft could proceed, but the theft was outside the scope of employment. Do not assume an agency’s insurance or bond guarantees reimbursement; have counsel review the coverage terms.
Going forward, transaction alerts, spending limits, statement reviews, secure card storage, and an inventory of valuables can reduce risk without stripping away independence.
Keep the Parent at the Center of the Plan
Family disputes and caregiver misconduct call for different responses, but both require clear authority, reliable records, and attention to the parent’s interests. A parent who retains capacity should keep participating in decisions.
Questions about a power of attorney, an admission agreement, or suspected exploitation of a parent? The Law Office of Barry E. Janay, P.C. can help before you sign or commit funds.
Barry E. Janay, Esq. is a seasoned New York and New Jersey attorney with over 20 years of legal experience, focusing on estate planning, probate, business law, and complex legal matters. As the founder of The Law Office of Barry E. Janay, he provides strategic, results-driven legal guidance to individuals and businesses navigating high-stakes decisions.
Barry has served as senior counsel and general counsel across multiple industries, bringing deep expertise in regulatory compliance, contracts, and corporate strategy. Known for his direct, no-nonsense approach, he helps clients resolve legal challenges efficiently while protecting their long-term interests.
He is admitted to practice in New York, New Jersey, and multiple federal courts, and has been recognized for his professional excellence and client-focused advocacy.
